the non-anti love collection

7:22pm: Hello Doll
Hello doll,
I'm afraid the time has come
Yes I'm talking to you
I love the way your mind speaks louder then words,
the way your lips look softer then the clouds above.
I love the way your eyes are as brown as the honey
in those little bear jars.
The way your body fits with mine like a puzzle.
I crave you,
yes baby you.
I crave that sweet tongue that sits inside
your gorgeous mouth.
I crave the taste of Newport's on your lips
like a breath of fresh air.
I crave you darling and everything your about.

Quite frankly,
sweetie
you drive me insane.
Drive back home already.
You're too perfect for my liking,
too pretty for my eyes,
too cry-worthy for my under sensitivity.
You're too smart for my stupidity,
too poetic for my attempts at a poem
You're too mature for my being naive.
Too drama for my simple state of mind.
You're too serious for my sense of humour.
Love,
shmove
i just want you dear
Havent you ever heard of fun!
Dont be so drama mama
I'm funny.

Let me fill your car up with gas and wish
you a safe ride home.
Whats that? you hate me?
ah yes, yes you do.

Have fun my lovely.

8:45pm: My weekend.
Well after practice on Friday i went to vans with Courtney and Meaghan and macked on another Megan at Steve & Berry's. We just kinda chilled for a little and then went to McDonald's cause Courtney wanted to see her girl, ashley met up with us and that was cool cause we got free food and i practically flooded the place with ice because there was the cutest old lady beside me and i just kept looking at her, when the ice went all over my hand courtney's gf told me nice going and i said that i wasnt paying attention.

Breath.

Then on Saturday i went with ashley over to kris' house and hung out for a little bit then i went to the mall and courtney came so we went to cingular and then back to the mall and I macked on nikki and megan again. then the other meaghan came but she went to see a movie so i said fuck you! and kay-mart came and met up with us but her friends were assholes so i said go away then megan got off work and she chilled with courtney and i while we played at the lego store and talked to some foreign guy at the cell phone place. then meaghan called and told us to go to hooters so we said fine and we ran into kris and melissa and they said they would come so i was like ok cool so we left megan at the mall and went to hooters and had this bitch for a waitress even tho she had big boobs so i said fuck this and we bounced to another table and had this hotty waitress who was cool as shit and only 19. she just got her tongue pierced and talked about how bad the pain was so i licked her tongue. then i realized that i noticed one of the hostess' so i told my waitress to ask her where she goes to school so the hostess came over and told me 20 times about how she sees me everywhere in school so next time i see her I'm gonna mack hard. then after melissa, kris, and ashley came we chilled for a little bit, got the check then went to fairfax for the rocky horror picture show.

breath.

it was cool as shit cause I'd never seen so many lesbians together at one time except for maybe at pride. so we watched the show and i kept thinking about the perks of being a wallflower because charlie went almost every saturday. after rocky horror we went to denny's and talked and smoked, my throat hurt from smoking so much. and i met these cool ass lesbians and i tried to sleep on the table but courtney kept nudging me so i couldnt. then we went back to kris' and melissa's and we listened to the gorillaz and i felt infinite at their house we slept cause we were too fucking tired to keep driving, i didnt go to sleep until 6 in the morning cause kris kept me up to talk and no i dont hate her for it.

breath.

sooo thats about fucking it.

2:41pm: Its been a while since I've had such a good fucking time. Last night i chilled with courtney, dillweed, kelly and meghan. Good fucking times. Kelly is too too fucking gorgeous. Meghan became my straight girlfriend and Courtney is still a fat whale. Dillweed, as always, was chillen, bein cool with her new pink cell cover. We watched lesbian sex scenes from Gia and Bound and fat shit, dillweed and I had to use pillows to cover the boners while the two straight girls sat in silence. lol, they are most def missing out.

i smoked a lot yesterday, no good, no good. why does it take so long to die from cancer? its not fair.

when we were driving and listening to sublime i felt infinite, like charlie did in the perks of being a wallflower. that has become my favorite book, you should read it, you all should really fucking read it.

anyway, I'm going to pop a newport and take a shower, hopefull there will be more fun times this evening. OUT!

9:24pm: Addict
( shootin' like a fuckin' champ )

8:46pm: ( type what you want the link to say )

4:13pm: ( my lovely friends and i )
Thats all folks.

3:32pm: Fun ride home with Toby and Erica-just a special day
( the main event of today )
Toby put the way camels taste perfectly.

Toby:its like your stuck in the Sahara (spelling) dessert and you grap some sand, wrap it up in a J and smoke it. LOL

Erica: I'm gonna call you G unit!
ME: oh yeah?
Toby: OMG you are so white!
(Toby is so gay! Like literally and his little gay voice is so fucking cute)

I smoked two blunts yesterday with these people I just met yesterday and Chris rolled it in some chocolate flavored blunts, so good, soooo good.

8:33pm: ( taste the newports )

4:57pm: ( kurt cobain haiku )

3:02pm: A happy, happy picture.
( Isn't life grand? )
Ignorance at its finest. Motherfuckers...

11:53pm: Don't listen to me; my heart's been broken.
I don't see anything objectively.

I know myself; I've learned to hear like a psychiatrist.
When I speak passionately,
That's when I'm least to be trusted.

It's very sad, really: all my life I've been praised
For my intelligence, my powers of language, of insight-
In the end they're wasted-

I never see myself.
Standing on the front steps. Holding my sisters hand.
That's why I can't account
For the bruises on her arm where the sleeve ends . . .

In my own mind, I'm invisible: that's why I'm dangerous.
People like me, who seem selfless.
We're the cripples, the liars:
We're the ones who should be factored out
In the interest of truth.

When I'm quiet, that's when the truth emerges.
A clear sky, the clouds like white fibers.
Underneath, a little gray house. The azaleas
Red and bright pink.

If you want the truth, you have to close yourself
To the older sister, block her out:
When I living thing is hurt like that
In its deepest workings,
All function is altered.

That's why I'm not to be trusted.
Because a wound to the heart
Is also a wound to the mind.




thank you.

11:57pm: House of boxes
You sit on that box that you keep in the corner, covered by dirty clothes and cigarette boxes, coffee in hand, both hands wrapped around that plain white mug I gave you years ago. There was a story behind it but of course I've forgotten it now, there was never any room in our relationship for memories. I just let myself in moments ago and locked the door behind me. I like being stuck in your world, its calm, its...nice and empty. "Its been a while" I think to myself. We have a tendancy of going years without speaking, well after the events of our wild, passionate love. Now its become "Nice to see you again join me for coffee." But today you say nothing, you simply sit there lost in your own silence. I sense that you're admiring the view me, of course. I wear that sweater you love, it took me hours to find it stuffed in the bottom of trash bags filled with charity clothes I've been meaning to take to the church. You always thought I was gorgeous and I always thought the same of you, my...untamed beauty.
I glance out the many random windows of your place, the view is shit really. A plain brick wall, I always thought that they built buildings too damn close but this is your dream mansion so I keep my mouth shut. You always hated that, the way I would freely speak my mind. Sorry but my cold heart still exists, I've never even tried to change. Not since you left anyway.
Anyone else would walk into this place and think it was shit, not living conditions. I notice you got a new sofa, threw out the old lamp boxes and found some nice TV sized ones. Looks good. I'm glad your not very fond of food, I forgot to bring that fruit cake mom made for you, she sends her love. She wanted me to ask how you were but you look too peaceful sitting there and I havent the time for a conversation. I notice your random bottles of voldka and gin. I smile, I know how you love your alcohol but since when did you start drinking scotch? Your not that old are you? I guess age has nothing to do with it but you aren't much for change and that is a big one. I imagine you sitting with your scotch in ice, admiring your wonderful view. I'm definitely still in lust with you, sex pours from your eyes. I can almost still taste you, although its been a while. Two years or so...
Sure your could recall that encounter. You practically raped me that night, you called, I came. Literally. It was rape until your breathless mouth asked me to fuck you. It was nice the way you said it and when have i ever turned down my untamed beauty? You taste sweet. A mixture of butterscotch and voldka. I craved you for days after that but it was nice not feeling guilty for not calling you the next morning. Usually they cry when i don't call but not you...never you.
You light a cigarette and then sort of motion me towards your "love seat". I grab a cigarette from your box and wonder when you switched from marlboro to camel. I don't like this new you. Finally, after taking a few puffs of that pathetic excuse for a death wish I take a deep breath then part my lips. I've never been much of a conversationalist we both know that nevertheless I look into your eyes.
"I like what you've done with the place" I say and then I prepare myself for another couple of years...

1:12pm: Let us pray
Dear Lord,
its come obvious to me that I'm going to hell and thats ok with me. Theres just a few things I've always wanted to say to you...

LEVITICUS 18:22 - Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.

Homosexuality is a SIN period!
Not only that but it is unnatural
The same as sex with an animal is unnatural!

Homosexuality is a SIN
&
God Hates Sin

YOU let your 'children' say things like this to me? YOU are supposed to love everyone YOU created yet YOU don't love gays? That makes me sick, homosexuality is not unnatural and it is NOT a sin. How dare YOU let the people YOU created to say things like this. I'm gay and I don't think its unnatural at all YOU YOURSELF was probably gay, YOU flaming faggot.

Another thing, I believed in YOU a few years ago, I put all of this effort into devoting myself to YOU. I prayed to YOU nightly, telling YOU my biggest fear. Do YOU remember what that was? My biggest fear was losing the most important person in my life, do YOU remember who that was? My mother YOU ignorant asshole. January 12-2001. YOU took her from me and why? Since then I lost total faith in YOU. Now, I hate YOU and I will never devot myself to something or someone whom makes no sense at all.

YOU died for our sins huh? Then why is this world so fucked up? Fuck YOU and all of your stupid little followers. And how dare YOU convince people that YOU are actual, thats a million people who are going to be disappointed when their bodies rot in the ground with the rest of us. Thanks for listening GOD.

Besides, I'm already in hell.

5:32am: What the fuck? I just spent the whole night up with Jess n' Tina, n' Mindy...what up girlies? :-) but uhh...I was playing that volleyball game on X box you know the one where the chicks are playing in the bikinis? hmm...Lisa is hot! lol but not as hot as Tinkerbell! ehh on another note, when did Jewel get so hot? She like grew up in the last year or something whhaaat?

HEY lindsay! You dedicate a page to me yet its only for your friends to see? Thats gay! you don't want the whole world to know how much you LOVE ME? :-( harshness...

Ashley...jus makin sure you werent pullin my dick :-) How's life? I hear it sucks...I'm sorry...maybe we can chill and see how much we've both changed this year, that should crack a smile on both of our faces...but I'm going to sleep the day away...later...

8:11am: Random Thoughts
I smoked with Sarah yesterday out of an ice tea can lol, what? GHETTO! But it was awesome, that was some good shit, orgasmic! Woot woot! Hmmm...interesting, the summer has begun and here I am at 8 o' clock in the morning, how incredibly pathetic. Little Sweater I can't get out of my mind how absolutely amazing you looked yesterday! Swooooon...awww...gosh! I can't even describe the feeling I got, it was insane!

"I....I'm so in love with you" Al Green, good guy...

Ashley, what up homes? I thought we were gonna talk and be buddy buddy again? I'm quite upset with the turn out...lemme know if you were just pullin my dick or not cause if you were then thats cool but enjoy the summer...

Uhm...thats all, just random thoughts...later...

11:35am: Under the Covers
I was afraid,
before,
that when I pulled down the covers
all I would see was
gaping holes.
And blood.
And I never pulled someones hair
for fear it would be in my hand,
with the scalp attatched.

Now I explore your body
telling you that I'm counting the hairs
but really,
Im caressing the curves and dents
and softness,
Proving to myself
that the horror isn't there...
on your body
Under The Covers.

Ashley you are so right I'm a dog and your a flea...sorry for "being on your cock" but yeah I guess we can stop playin this ridiculous game...Your right, we are both quite content with our hunnies! Should we attempt another friendship? Or just never talk again and definitely quit this "dramatic violence"? :-

10:56am: High Livin
It's time to smoke

Blaze all day, every day
Each way, the right way
My way, greenhay, we high
Been there done that
Big blunts, fat sacks
Hit it fast, make it last
First class, we blaze

Shit's all finger licking good when you rollin' through the hood
Twistin Lincoln logs are hard so we burning up the wood
Cuz I be smokin, drunk, drinking weed and pairing skunk
I like to smoke a bitch and been known to slap a blunt
Make the crowd jump, people say them kids got styles
Renting jewels for your videos you frontin' with that smile
Acting wild but you ain't even skirt in the pit
Talking shit, ain't worth a lick
You wanna bark, then you'll get bit, woof
Blow the roof off like an atom bomb
D-Loc to Johnny Richter's like ping to pong
Ain't nothing wrong, don't fix shit if it ain't broke
We ain't no jokes, you know the kings by the size of our tokes,
Motherfuckers

Blaze all day, every day
Each way, the right way
My way, greenhay, we high
Been there done that
Big blunts, fat sacks
Hit it fast, make it last
First class, we blaze

My voice is swayin, people always ask me what I'm sayin'
Playin' (shottie?) for the women, so I'm smooth operating
Just (plain gamin?), while you smokin on the hay
And for the peeps who are working (??) start your savin'

I keep it clean shaven, around 4 corners
We warned ya, no dank is strong enough to hold us
Like soldiers we fold ya, keep our composure
Roll you in a joint, light you up and smoke ya

Only take so much shwag, made me (??) and gag,
It's time to smoke some (??) so i reached in my bag
Fix my sag as i pulled out my orange zig zags
You know the Kottonmouth Kings, the worlds' greatest tag

Team, we gleam, i spit poisonous juice
Abuse microphones, let my flow run loose
Calling out all troops, puttin' weight up on the table
Bring a scale, round by round, check the soundscan

Damn D-Loc we the cream of the crop,
DJ Bobby B, Daddy X, and Pak, who locks to beats
Sportin' high top docs, slangin' pounds of pot
Take from us, better not

Blaze all day, every day
Each way, the right way
My way, greenhay, we high
Been there done that
Big blunts, fat sacks
Hit it fast, make it last
First class, we blaze

I got a knack for bud smoke chronic (??)
D-Loc's no joke, toke for toke, he'll float your boat
(??) down my throat, took off my coat
Was it wet? It was soaked
Out smoke you? Not really, nope
Sat back and had a coke, relaxed and had a smoke
A little bit of change, some dank, I was broke
No dollar stretched out, felt like a stroke
Brain transformed, like I was on the dose
Provoke, no coke, I never done roak
You gotta ring around your nose, take a hit off my roach
Tryin' to ball like the most, burnt like a piece of toast
On the coast to coast, deep in the post
Got my eyes on my crops, watchin' over my gross
Just daze you a little, damn he's kinda dope

(I see that I might have underestimated him
You have obviously underestimated my power)

Blaze all day, every day
Each way, the right way
My way, greenhay, we high
Been there done that
Big blunts, fat sacks
Hit it fast, make it last
First class, we blaze

1:00pm: Never let me down
When I believed in nothing I called her name
Trapped in a high-dollar joint in some place I called her name
And though my days are slipping by
And nights so cruel I thought I'd die
She danced her little dance 'till it made me cry
She was shakin' like this honey doing that

When I needed soul revival I called your name
When I was falling to pieces I screamed in pain

Your soothing hand that turned me round
A love so real swept over me
You danced your little dance 'till it made me cry
You were shakin' like this honey doing that

Never let me down She never let me down
Never let me down She never let me down

When all your faith is failing Call my name
When you've nothing coming Call my name

I'll be strong for all it takes
I'll cover your head till the bad stuff breaks
I'll dance my little dance till it makes you smile
Shaking like this honey doing that

Never let you down I'll never let you down
I'll never let you down I'll never let you down

3:20pm: Am I not pretty enough
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken

Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me


I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can
I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's
real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can